Clinton and APEC

Bingo, bodyguards, and Presidential security Heard about the secret US plans that ended up on a South Auckland chicken processor's fax? As Christchurch prepares for The Visit, WILLY TROLOVE speculates on the content of the faxes ...

Top-Secret Provisions for the Visit of the President:

Security

At all times the President of the United States shall be accompanied by a large, highly-mobile security detail and a small, slow-moving box of donuts. Both shall have representatives within arm's reach of the President at all times.

The security detail shall consist of 100 good-looking agents talking to each other over walkie-talkies. The agents shall render themselves inconspicuous by wearing designer Italian suits and sunglasses.

Two or three of them will be the actual bodyguards who do all the work. At least one of these will look like Kevin Costner.

Two identical naval officers carrying suitcases will accompany the President and shall stray no further than twenty (20) meters from him at any time. One of the suitcases will contain the launch codes for the United States nuclear arsenal. The other will contain the President's Bingo numbers. Under no circumstances are these two suitcases to be confused. The President's Bingo numbers are a closely guarded secret and could pose a clear and present danger to national security were they to fall into the wrong hands.

The security detail will be backed up by a reserve security detail employed primarily to look good and blast the hell out of anything that moves.

The reserve security detail will guard all grassy knolls, theatres, tall buildings, golf greens, Irish Bars, tobacconists etc as required.

On stand-by at all times shall be three (3) helicopters, eighteen (18) limousines, and two (2) platoons of Navy Seals. The helicopters shall be big, black, and sexy and able to loop the loop if required to do so for a photo opportunity. The limousines shall be long, black, and sexy and installed with small American flags so that nobody mistakes the President's motorcade for that of the Sultan of Brunei. The Navy Seals shall be short, black, and sexy and stationed atop Farmers carpark so that they can scale down it and impress the hell out of any terrorists in the vicinity.

The movement of all support vehicles and personnel shall be accompanied by movie soundtracks from Topgun, A Few Good Men, JFK, or Herbie Goes Bananas.

Protocol

Local dignitaries and businessmen may shake the President's hand. The handshake shall be soft, dry, and pliable.

It is the President's prerogative as to how he returns handshakes. This will depend on how much money is in the hand when it is offered to the President (cash in $US please, all cheques to be made out to the "Hillary for Senate Campaign" or the "Keep Monica Quiet Trust Fund").

Under no circumstances may any person touch the President in any way other than a handshake, except for Mr Yeltsin, who may give the President a bear hug for a period not exceeding five (5) seconds.

If Mr Yeltsin's hug does exceed five (5) seconds this probably indicates that rigour mortis has set in.

There is no need to be alarmed. Mr Breshnev ran the Soviet Union for several years while being technically dead and there is no reason to suspect that Mr Yeltsin is incapable of doing the same.

Whenever the President enters a building or enclosure a brass band shall strike up Hail to the Chief.

The brass band shall not take "requests" from any of the dignitaries in attendance.

Under no circumstances will the band be permitted to play If it Weren't for your Gumboots Where Would Ya Be? when the President enters.

No mention will be made at any time of cigars or similar tobacco products or what the President may wish to do with such tobacco products in the privacy of his own home.

From time to time the President will talk to the assembled dignitaries and media. Under no circumstances will anyone ask the President "so what's your impression so far of this city/country/global backwater/golf course?"

Chances are that the President will be so busy thinking about his lovely wife that he'll be unable to recall precisely where he is at that moment. If asked this question the President will feign profound deafness due to the roar of overhead rotor blades.

Crowd Control

A standard minimum of three (3) babies a day shall be provided for the President to kiss. A quantity of small boys not exceeding two (2) per day shall be permitted to shake hands with the President, ask for his autograph, and have their hair tousled affectionately for the cameras. From time to time the President will meet locals, schoolchildren, Prime Ministers of Malaysia, tobacconists, bar-staff, etc. These will in fact be dressed-up members of his security detail.

There shall be a five hundred (500) mile export-quality lamb-exclusion-zone surrounding the President at all times and the public shall be kept away from the President by a distance not less than the maximum hand-thrown range of a grade-7 egg.

On the President's likely travel routes every manhole, inspection chamber, and sump grate shall be locked. Lock all doors, gates, and windows. Lock up all pets, stray dogs, and street people. Lock away all irate sheep farmers and maori separatists. Lock up all known lunatics, Mayors of Invercargill, and Presidents of the Labour Party.

Oh. And lock up your daughters.

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